


Restless Heart

by drowningintonothing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Sad, Supernatural AU - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 18:22:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3579387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drowningintonothing/pseuds/drowningintonothing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel deals with the death of his great love Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Restless Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there!  
> This is a story I had in mind for several month after I found an old journal of myself where I wrote down how I missed someone that died. I translated and re-wrote those and used them in the story. So the italic texts are excerpts from my own journal.
> 
> It is kind of a sad story, I know that and there is no smut in it. =) (Yes I can write stories without smut ;))

_"The first thing you notice when they are gone is that you don't miss the big things but the little things you overheard, oversaw and that you thought were so unimportant. Of Course you miss the kisses, the hugging and the many times they told you "I love you". But what you really miss when someone is ripped from this life, is their habits, their sounds, their smell and their presence at all._   
_And you remember the way they drove their car and the way they sang to the radio. You remember the little half-sided smirk, when you made a comment about their silly moves while singing to the radio. At night you can still hear their heartbeat and their breathing, while you miss the smell of their shower-gel next to you. It's the little things, like the way their voice broke when they said goodbye and how it sounded like a freaking melody when they told you "Hello"."_

Cas looked up to the stars. That dark thing that was covering this earth with a blanket and little lights to guide everyone who was too blind to see a way through this labyrinth of life. Oh how he had loved the sky when he was younger and how often did he look at the moon and thought: Somewhere on this earth, someone else is looking at it too. Maybe thinking the same thing.  
But now he was looking at it, feeling an endless sadness breaking through the cracks of his walls. Walls he had built around him, when the love of his life was taken from him. Oh how he missed that pleading voice of his, when he said "Hello Cas" and how he missed the sad eyes that looked so deep into his, when Dean had said his last "goodbye." Not even knowing it was his last. He missed to see the wrinkles around Dean's beautiful green eyes. Green like an early day in spring.  When Cas looked down he could see the gray street under his feet and in front of him. He was standing at the crossroads, the first time in five years. The crossroad where they had met. He remembered that day as if it was yesterday...

* * *

 

**15 years before**  
"I don't want a fag like you in my house. Get out!", Chuck Novak yelled.  
"Dad! Please!", Castiel was begging.  
"No. Pack your stuff. I am going out and when I am back you better be gone." Chuck slammed the front door shut and Castiel looked at his siblings who were all looking at him. He slowly moved to his room, packing a suitcase with his things and looked around to remember all the stuff he had to leave behind.   
Castiel left the house and walked down the street. He had some money left to take the first bus but after that he had to wait for strangers to take him with them. He had no idea where he wanted to go. His dad had thrown him out because he was gay. 

He was walking along the streets and at a crossroad he stopped to check the signs, just to decide where to go. Just when he decided to go right a car was coming closer. A black car. The owner stopped and cranked down his window.  
"Hey. You wanna go somewhere?"  
"Yeah. Uhm. I don't know." Castiel wasn't thinking straight because that guy was hot. And cute and damn that car.  
"I am driving to the next city. Jump in."  
"Thanks." Cas placed his stuff behind his seat and then sat down on the passengers seat. "Hi, my name is Dean." The blonde guy told him.  
"I'm Castiel."  
Dean gave him a side glance. "Nice name. So where are you going?"  
"I don't know. My folks threw me out. Need a clean start."  
"Yeah. How about you come with me and we will find you a place to stay. Me and my little brother Sam live alone."  
Castiel smiled. "Why?"  
"Our parents are dead." Dean's voice didn't even hitch at saying it and he was driving on like he had said something normal. Something like "nice weather". Cas looked at him, the brown leather jacket, the amulet around his neck and the old jeans he was wearing.   
"I'm sorry for your loss."  
Dean nodded and remained silent for the rest of the drive. Castiel was watching the road and when Dean put on the radio he heard some rock-music coming from it.   
"Led Zeppelin", Dean explained.  
"I don't know anything about music."  
"What? How is this possible? Do you never listen to the radio?"  
Castiel shook his head, his gaze fixed on his hands. "No. My dad wouldn't allow it. I never watched a movie. We were allowed to read but only books he thought were good. Nothing that could have a bad influence. My folks are very religious."  
Dean chuckled. "That explains why you are running away and why you are dressed like this."  
"What's wrong about my clothes?"  
"Dude, you are wearing a black tux, a beige trenchcoat and a tie. Who the hell does wear that our age?"  
"Someone who just came back from church."  
"Sorry. I didn't want to be rude."  
Both smiled at each other and Cas was excited when Dean parked the car in front of a motel. The sign was blinking in pink neon lights.  
"So, uhm, do you have money?", Dean asked.  
"No. I need to get a job."  
"You can stay in our room. Sammy and me just came here two days ago. We are heading for Stanford. I want Sammy to go to a better High School and then College."  
"That's nice. And what is your job?"  
"I do whatever I find. Last month I worked at a garage as a mechanic, the month before I worked as a clerk."  
Castiel nodded and then said: "Okay Dean, thanks for the ride. I will go further into town and search for a job."  
"You can stay the night. Really. And tomorrow you can go and find something."  
"You have done enough. Thank you."  
"You sure? You could come with us to Stanford. Chances to get a job are better there."   
"If it really is okay. Would be nice to not be alone."  
"Then come in and meet my little brother." Dean opened the door to their room and Castiel moaned. Holy crap was that an ugly room. On one bed he saw a teenage boy, with longish dark hair, reading a book. Sam he thought.  
"Sammy, say hello to Cas."  
"Who?", the boy looked at them.  
"Oh. Hello." He stood up and offered Castiel a hand.  
"Hello Sam."  
"Castiel will stay the night with us and drive with us to Stanford tomorrow."  
"Great. Can I go on reading now?" Dean rolled his eyes and smirked but then motioned his hand to the bed. Then he looked at Castiel and told him to place his stuff beside the bed.  Cas had seen something there. A new chance of a family, friends and maybe, just maybe, being thrown out was a good thing. 

* * *

 

Cas sighed and went back into the car. The Impala. Dean's Impala. That's the only thing he had left of him. He started driving back to that damn motel they had slept the first night. The first night where Dean and him had already formed some kind of bond, when they met each other outside of the room, both looking at the sky.  
"Do you think heaven and hell exist", he had asked and Castiel had watched the profile of his face and the way the light was reflected in the other man's eyes.   
"Yes", he had answered. Now he was thinking of that answer and he still hoped it was true because if there was a person who deserved to be in heaven it was his friend. Dean was the most selfless and righteous man he ever met. Without Dean he felt down and like the only thing he knew was his sadness. He had known that he would lose Dean someday. Now he didn't want to stay here on a planet without his other half. He couldn't make him stay, live longer and now he never wanted anybody else at his side. Dean was his everything, the reason he survived and the reason he turned out to be the man he was now. He had made him better and Cas would be forever thankful for that. 

He opened the book again and read further.  
_"It will take a long time until you stop missing them every day but even after that time there will always be those moments that you feel them, miss them. You are preparing a meal and suddenly you remember how you first cooked it for them or with them. You remember how different food tasted when they were there. A glass of wine probably tastes different than when you drank it together. No matter how hard it is and no matter how much time goes by, there will always be moments like these. Moments you ask yourself what would happen if they were still there, would you still be friends, lovers or would you still feel so sad? Would you be happy? The answer is written somewhere in the night-sky. No you wouldn't be as dark as a stormy sky, you would be a clear summer-night. Dark, but warm and gentle. Right now you feel like your insides are burning and that with their death something inside of you died too. That feeling will fade but never leave completely. It will transform into something different. An invisible scar. A memory."_

Cas closed the book and turned the lights off. He was lying on his side, one arm stretched , as if he was waiting for Dean's head to use it as pillow. He was always waiting for Dean to place himself next to him, cuddling, kissing. That day will never come again. Cas grabbed the second pillow and pressed it against his chest. He couldn't handle this. He couldn't live without Dean. Slowly a single tear was rolling down his cheek, onto the white pillow.  

* * *

 

 

Cas woke up to sunbeams shining down on his face and he blinked two times, to get used to the light. He stood up and took a shower, to wash away some of the feelings caused by his dream.   
When he was done he packed his things and left to drive to Stanford to meet with Sam. After Dean's death Cas had took the car and left, visiting places they wanted to see together but really he was just running away from all the memories. Because a bar wasn't just a bar if you had a great evening there, with your lover and his brother. A restaurant wasn't just a place you go to eat, it was a memory of how Dean had brought him there on their second real date. And the little bench under the weeping willow wasn't just a bench but a place they used to sit and stare at the sky at night, lost in conversations about the complexity of the universe and the meaning of life. And it was the place that Dean chose to tell him how much Cas meant to him. There were so many memories, that Cas ran away from them and found himself on the road. Driving through the states, ending up in Los Angeles for some weeks before he decided to go back.  
When Castiel arrived he parked the Impala in front of their house. Dean and him had bought it two years before Dean had gotten sick. Both of them had spared money to do so and after they were sure Sam was able to pay all his things on his own. Fifteen years were too short. 12 of them spent together, 3 denying their feelings. Wasted time.  
He walked into the hallway and was greeted with that smell he always loved. A mixture of wood, dust and Dean's personal scent. Dean had always laughed about Cas, because Dean said it was their smell and not just his. Castiel smirked at the memory and shook his head. "Oh Dean. I fuckin' miss you. You assbutt."  
He opened the windows to let some fresh air in and found some letters at the kitchen table and a note from Sam.  
"Hey Cas, I know you are coming back someday. I opened the important letters and took care of everything. Call as soon as you are back. You forgot your mobile!"  
Forgot. That was one way to put it. He had left it behind because he knew that if Sam had called him he would have come back immediately.  
Cas rubbed the palms of his hands over his face. How was he going on now?  
He decided to drive to Sam's place and tell him that he was back.

Sam greeted him with a hug and Castiel was afraid he would crush his bones. Sam was tall, had muscles all in the right places and he looked good and healthy. "Cas, when did you come back?"  
"Some hours ago."  
They were sitting at the table in the living room and were drinking coffee.  
"Are you okay?", Sam asked.  
"I am going to be. I am sorry I left you alone."  
"Don't be. I wasn't. Jess helped me a lot. Actually, uhm, I asked her to marry me."  
Castiel smiled. "Oh Sammy, I am glad for you. She is wonderful. When is the wedding?"  
"We don't know yet. I was waiting for you to come back, because I want you to be at my side. You and Dean...you are my only family left now."  
Castiel watched how Sam's eyes were getting wet and he grabbed for his hand. "I'm not going away and I am happy for you. And of course I will be there. Right next to you, kicking your ass, so you won't be able to chicken out and say "no"."  
"Thanks."  
Sam stood up and took the chair next to Cas and then hugged him again. "I miss him so much", he whispered.  
"Me too, Sam. Me too. But he would want you to be happy. Everything he always wanted was for you to have a good and better Life than him. He wanted to be your brother, best friend and father."  
"I know. I hope he knows that I was thankful for what he did for me. I know he never had a real childhood after our parents died. He was always worried about me. I was glad when he met you."  
Cas nodded. "Yeah. I am glad he picked me up that day."  
They sat for a while, chatting and drinking coffee, until Jess came back from her shift at the hospital. She was a nurse and Sam was a lawyer.  
After they had made their way to Stanford Dean had found himself a job as mechanic which he never quit and Cas had a lot of different jobs, before ending up at a home for old people, where he worked as care worker. Reading them stories, feeding them, be there when they die.

Cas couldn't sleep that night. It felt weird to be back in his own bed. In their bed. That King-sized bed they had bought together. Dean wanted a big one because they would have more space for sleeping. What he actually thought was: "More space to have sex."  
Castiel shook his head and grabbed the book from his nightstand and started to read.

_"When they are gone you will feel numb for a while and then restless and then again you feel numb once more, when you realize that being restless and being without them is the same thing. You are restless because you search something that makes the feeling come back. The feeling that died with them and you will fail. You will fail to find someone or something that fills your holes. There will be no Whiskey bottle big enough, no Pie sweet enough and no blade sharp enough to make the pain go away. The only thing there is, is to live through it and in the end you will know, that even so you don't want to admit it, you have to admit that you can survive without them but you will feel broken, you will feel the scar on your soul and heart on every day at the year. For the rest of your life. But human beings can live with scars. When you cut your finger it will hurt for a while and after a while only a scar will remind you of that. But every time you look at it, you feel the pain again. And that's gonna happen to your heart and soul. Forever._   
_There is nothing wrong about missing the person you lost but it is wrong to think that this is the end. Because it is not. It is just harder to go on. It helped to ask myself one question: What would the person want you to do?"_

Cas closed the book. He knew exactly what Dean wanted him to do. Live. Live as if it was your last day. Have the pie and the fast food and the booze whenever you want it. Have sex when you need it. Be there for the person you love. Family is always first.

* * *

 

They were on their way to Stanford. Sam was reading on the backseat, while Dean and Cas were driving in Silence. Neither of them mentioned the other night, where they had talked about Heaven and Hell. Cas had slept in Dean's bed, while Dean had rested on the little couch. Castiel was complaining that he did that, telling him he wouldn't have to do this and that he could sleep on the couch but Dean didn't listen.  
Dean had ordered them Pizza, which was a first for Castiel and again Dean had laughed about him.  
"You never had Pizza?"  
"No. My Dad didn't like Fast Food. We ate a lot of Food that was growing in our garden. And only on Sundays we had meat. Every Saturday we had Soup. Only on Birthdays we had Dessert. Me and my siblings wanted to go to eat Burgers once. We ended up a day without any food."  
Sam and Dean instantly stopped eating, leaving more for Cas. The boys always had something to eat. Dean was making sure of that. When they were younger it was hard and all they had were some cereals or toast and peanut butter but they never went a day without food.  
"Sounds like you met the right person. We only eat what we want to."  
"Yeah. Dean is right. I sometimes eat Salad", Sam added.  
"Thank you. I will pay everything back when I have a job."  
"Don't worry.", Dean had said.  
Castiel watched the landscape that was flying by and smiled. "It's nice seeing another landscape than the one I saw for the last 19 years."  
"You have never been somewhere else?"  
"No."  
"Sammy and I went to a several towns. Las Vegas was my favorite. Because of the Ladies and the colors and people. Sammy didn't like it. Am I right?"  
"Yeah. I hated it. I liked New York. The Central Park was nice."  
"You two came around pretty much. I always wanted to go to LA and New York. And the beach. I want to see the beach." Castiel looked at Dean and he looked back, smiling.  
"I can show you the beach someday and then we find us two girls and have fun."  
"Wuhha. Dean you are gross", Sammy told his brother.  
"Yes Dean, you are gross", Castiel added, which made Dean snort.  
"You are not into girls or what?"  
"No. I am into guys. It's the reason my Dad kicked me out."  
"Oh." Dean went silent for a while.  
"I think it is cool. Guys are better than girls." Sammy commented with the charm of a 14 year old boy.  
"No. I think it is okay", Dean finally said.  
"Thanks", Castiel replied.

They arrived in Stanford and Dean wanted Cas to stay at the same Motel than them and got a room for three. After that Sam went inside reading and Dean and Cas went out to search jobs. Dean easily found one as mechanic and Cas at a shop. Both had the same way to work and both would start the next morning. So that they could ride together. It was weird how comfortable they felt around each other and how easily Dean had accepted him. Castiel was forever thankful for this.  
That Night him and Dean went out to drink a beer. Dean insisted on it and that's when it all had started for Castiel. The moment he knew he was falling in love with the boy that had picked him up on the street. Castiel was wearing a black jeans and a blue sweater and black shoes.  
Dean laughed. "Boy, on the weekend we will go and buy you clothes. You need to start living and wear what you want and be who you want to be."  
"Yeah. Sounds good." Castiel wasn't so sure what Dean meant.  
They went to a pub around the corner and they were sitting opposite of each other, both nipping on their beer. Dean's eyes always met his but then he looked away. When he saw a girl his eyes widened but then he looked back at Castiel.  
"So uhhm, since when do you know you are into guys."  
"I have always known."  
"Did you keep it a secret?"  
"Yes. Until yesterday. My Dad found out when he found my diary."  
"And then he threw you out?"  
"Yeah. They are very religious and he wanted me gone. So I packed my stuff and left. I won't miss him. But I will miss my siblings but I guess it's better that way."  
"It's wrong. Just..parents should love their kids. No matter what. So what guys do you like? Maybe we can find you someone." Dean smirked and he looked like a predator.  
"Hmm..Let me think.." Cas bit his lip. What was his type? He had no idea.  
"Come on, tell me."  
"I think I like them when they are kind and caring. When they can show me new things and when they have wonderful eyes and a beautiful smile. Oh and arms. I like arms and uhm hands."  
Cas eyes wandered to Dean's hands and he swallowed. Yeah, he liked hands.  
"Hands, huh? Man, I know why. So did you ever have sex?"  
"Dean..." Cas blushed and hid his face.  
"Oh come on. Don't tell me you are a virgin."  
Castiel felt suddenly very uncomfortable. "I am and that's none of your business. I just told you about my family and that I kept it a secret."  
Dean's hand grabbed Cas' wrist. "Hey calm down Cas. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just...rare. So how do you like your beer?"  
"It's gross."  
"All adult things are gross at first but then you get addicted to them. Like Coffee, Vodka, Whiskey and Beer."  
"You sound so much older than me."  
They watched each other for a while and then Dean said: "Let's go. We need to be at work tomorrow."

On their way back to the motel, Dean had thrown his arm around Castiel and for the first time, Castiel felt welcome. Maybe he had found a new family.

The next morning Dean gave Castiel a ride to work and told him that everything will be okay and that he will pick him up after work. Castiel looked at the Impala that was driving away and shook his head. Was this his Life now?

 

Every day Dean had picked him up after work. Even when it was a different direction and if he had to wait. One time when he had that job as a bartender, Dean used to wait for him to close the doors. He was making sure he got home safe. Every night and Castiel's heart was melting for this man. Pretty soon they had moved into a little flat and Sam was going to school, they were working and sometimes, Dean was going out alone.  
One of these nights Sam had asked Castiel: "Why don't you go out and find a boy. Like Dean finds girl to be with?"  
"Someone has to look after you while he is gone."  
"I am good on my own. Or are you in love with Dean?"  
"No. Silly." Castiel blushed and Sam started giggling.  
"I am not a kid Cas. You love him. And maybe it's time you tell him. It's been 2 years and I know you have been in love with him the whole time. And he cares for you."  
"Damn Sam. You are too smart for your age." Castiel tickled Sam, who was 16 now, but acting like a 11 year old. Girls were boring. He liked computers now and still spent more time in the library than any other boy his age.

Later that night Dean came back to their apartment and was drunk. It was the first time that he came home that early. Usually he came back early in the morning, when the first sunbeams appeared.  
He sat down on Castiel's bedside and shook him awake. "Cas, wake up."  
Cas woke up and wondered what was wrong. He followed Dean, who was more stumbling than walking, outside and they sat down on their stairs in front of the appartment block. "What's it?"  
"I couldn't do it. What is happening with me?"  
"You couldn't sleep with a girl?"  
"Yeah. I just didn't feel it."  
"What did you feel or what did you think of?"  
"You."  
Castiel coughed and just starred at Dean. "What?"  
"You. I wanted to come home to you. I am not gay Cas. But.."  
"No, of Course you are not but.."  
"Yeah..but.."  
"You should go to bed and sleep. You are drunk. You will see it different when you are sober."  
Cas stood up and turned around. His head was spinning and he felt his heart sink. Dean would never be with him. He was just confused.  
Dean grabbed his hand. "Wait."  
He stood up too and moved closer to Castiel, leaning in, to press his lips on Cas'. Then both stilled, watched each other and went inside. Dean was still holding his hand but let go as soon as they entered their flat. He went straight to the bathroom and when he came back, Castiel pretended to sleep. What did just happen?

The next morning both pretended that nothing had happened. Dean was saying he didn't even remember coming home. Castiel felt hurt but what was he thinking? People don't turn from straight to gay.

* * *

  
Castiel woke up to an empty bed, an empty house. The Silence was depressing him. It felt like the air was too heavy to carry and if something invisible was sitting on his chest and kept him from breathing properly. His heart was hurting inside of him and he grabbed Deans pillow and pressed it to his chest. The Love of his Life was gone. Dead.  
He would never ever pick him up from work again and he would never sneak out of bed to make breakfast. There would never be lazy Sundays again, and no more roadtrips. Castiel Novak felt broken and damaged. He was only 35 but he felt old. Oh so very old. And alone.  
He grabbed for his notebook and wrote a new entry.

_"You miss them in your sleep and the moment you wake up. You miss them in reality and the only way to be with them is in your dreams and your memory. Sometimes you want to stay in bed to be near them and sometimes you never wanna wake up but when you do, it feels like you scratched your wound bloody again and it needs to heal anew. The longing, the emptiness and the silence – will they ever stop?"_

Castiel grabbed for the picture that he had placed in his dairy a while back. Dean is sitting on the impala, his eyes looking straight into the camera and he was smirking. It was their first roadtrip to the beach and Cas had made more than enough pictures to fill three boxes with them but this was his favorite. Oh how he missed that smirk and those green eyes. He missed Dean's hand in his.  
"Oh Baby, I wish you were here and I wish God wouldn't have taken you away from me. I hope you are alright where ever you are. I miss you. I miss you so much I can hardly breathe."  
Right after Dean's death Castiel had started to talk to him because Dean wasn't just his Lover, he was his best friend, too. He had met a lot of people but no one was as good as Dean and some had betrayed them or hurt them and so they decided to stay alone. Because Family always comes first.

* * *

 

Days after Dean had kissed Cas for the first time, he had grabbed his hand and had pulled him behind a tree in the forest, when they were walking to the lake to go fishing. Dean's lips were on him faster than Castiel could react and they kissed for a while. When Dean stopped, he looked at him and then walked away. Cas saw that he was confused, trying to figure out what was happening to him, so he didn't ask or say anything when they sat next to each other at the lake.  
It was Dean who said: "What's going on?"  
"I don't know Dean. Tell me."  
"I..I don't know..I am not gay..I just...you are always on my thoughts."  
Castiel didn't say anything. He just watched the man with the leather jacket and the blue plaid shirt underneath it. Watched how is green eyes searched for an answer on the surface of the water.  
"Dean...Do you want me to go?", Castiel asked because he thought that maybe he was confusing Dean so much that he wanted him to go.  
"What? No. I think I want you closer", Dean answered.  
Their eyes met and Castiel nodded. "I want you, too."  
That was the night Dean had crawled into bed with him, snuggling. It was the start of the best thing Castiel had ever experienced.  
"What are you doing, Dean?", Cas asked when he felt Dean lying down behind him, shoving his arm under Cas head and throwing the other one over his chest, pressing him closer.  
"What does it look like?"  
"Like you are cuddling with me."  
"See. Wasn't that hard to figure out."  
"But Dean, you said you are into girls."  
"I am. Shut up now and sleep."  
And Cas did. He slept in Dean's arms, for the very first time. Sam was sleeping at a friends house. A friend he had made in High School. In the middle of the night Dean had slipped his hand under Cas shirt, slightly touching his chest, right there, where under several layers of skin, his heart was beating. Castiel woke up when Dean pressed his lips against the sensitive skin under his ear and when he had whispered: "Are you awake?"  
"I am now." He had answered nervous.  
"Turn around." Cas had turned around and Dean was smiling at him, his hand immediately touching his cheek and coming closer, pressing a gentle kiss onto his lips. Cas had frozen in place. "What are you doing?"  
"Kissing you."  
"I can feel that much but why?"  
"Why do you always ask so many questions?"  
"Because I don't understand the things you say and do."  
"Don't you want me to kiss you?" Castiel smirked and grabbed into Dean's hair.  
"You know I do."  
They had kissed the whole night and touched each other. It was the best thing he had ever felt and the next morning when he woke up, he was holding Dean in his arms and he realized that the guy he thought was the strongest, was in fact, the weakest. Dean always was the big brother, the caretaker, the head. He would die to make Sammy's life better and ow, after being with them for month, he finally saw, what he always expected to see some day. How Dean Winchester, the man that had seen enough for three lifetimes, relaxed in his arms and allowed himself to feel, to breathe, to be the one who needed someone else. Cas knew he was probably just used and that he happened to be there when Dean needed someone and that after Dean woke up they would go back to their normal behavior. Looking at each other, flirting, making jokes and avoiding any conversation. But when Dean woke up he didn't move away or acted as if Castiel was just one of his one night stands. He had turned around, kissed his forehead and had said: "Good Morning, Angel."  
"Good Morning, Dean." Dean came up with this nickname for him, on the road to Stanford after asking him questions about his life and family.

* * *

 

Cas stood up and made himself breakfast. He knew it was time to go on even so he didn't want to. He didn't want to live without him but he had to. He opened the cupboard and grabbed for his favorite mug, which was standing right next to Dean's favorite mug. One he would never use again. Cas took it out and carried it to the living room to place it on the shelf over the fireplace.  
It was time for him to put some of Dean's things into boxes and clean the house. It was his home, too and he had to go back to work and live on because Dean would want him to go on.  
He would miss him forever. Every day. Every morning and every night. He would miss all that he was and what they were together but someday, somewhere he would fall in love again. At least that is what they told them. It's what he had read in all those novels that Sam had given to him over the years.

Castiel sat down with a hot coffee and wrote another entry.  
_"Today is the day I decided to stand up, drink coffee and start living again. As much as you miss them, you need to go on. There will be holes in your heart and your life and your house will be so silent you think that someone sucked the sounds out of it. You feel their presence everywhere but they are gone. They are ghosts living inside of you and walking behind you forever but they are no longer holding your hand and they are not longer there to help you. They are memories and maybe that is what hurts the most, that from the day on that they leave your life, you have to be on your own again. When someone is young, all we do is try to be yourself, try to find a way in life and when we find it, we find people that share the same path. And now, when this path ends, you have to walk alone, until you find another hand to hold. Another way to go. You could go right or left or you wait until the next day to chose your direction but you will forever be restless. You have shadows, ghosts and memories that haunt you, for the rest of your days._  
 _But today I need to pack all his stuff away, I need to make this my house. Even so it feels wrong."_

Castiel closed the book and went into the basement to grab some of the boxes they had stocked there. And then he went upstairs to start with the living room. He grabbed the pictures that he didn't like that much but stand there because Dean liked them and put them in the first box.  
He worked all day and in the evening he found himself in their bedroom, staring at Dean's clothes, tears running down his cheeks when he saw the blue plaid shirt hanging on a hook. Castiel grabbed for it and smelled at it. It still smelled like Dean. He kicked his shoes off and sprawled out on the bed, the shirt pressed to his chest. "Dean..", he mumbled. His man. His beautiful man was gone.

* * *

 

After that night it happened that Dean would snuggle himself to Castiel when Sammy was asleep. His arms always thrown around Castiel and their legs always tangled together.  
It had felt good and for the beginning they didn't need more. They kissed when nobody was watching and they kissed in bed. That was all that happened for several weeks.  
When Castiel came home one day, on his own because Dean had told him he had to work longer, he was surprised with a flat full of candles and Pizza on the table. And Dean wearing a clean blue Jeans and a red shirt. Castiel remembered how he had felt. He felt loved, important and he was nervous.  
It had happened that night, that Dean made the first step and lead him to the bedroom after they had finished eating. He had kissed him and puled his shirt over his head. First they were just making out but then Dean looked at him and whispered: "I need to feel you. Are you ready?"  
Castiel remembered the look on Dean's face a mixture of lust and nervousness. But in the end they had slept together. Dean had taken care of everything and was really careful to touch Castiel, afraid to hurt him. And Castiel had fallen even deeper in love with him. For him there was no way back. He would forever love Dean Winchester.  
Dean hadn't moved away from him at night and even in the morning he was still beside him. Kissing him and holding hands. And when Sammy came home that day, Dean had talked to him and Sammy smiled like a little idiot over the news.  
Castiel suddenly saw it all, the family he had, the love he had and that sometimes ending something means a new beginning. It was the best decision to leave the house and go right, because if he had turned left that day he would have never met Dean.

* * *

 

**Some weeks later**

Castiel had packed all of Dean's stuff away and he was working again. He still missed his man, his handsome and kind love. There would always be a spot in his heart that would suffer and grief but he was prepared to start new. Prepared to find something that made life livable again. He kept writing his dairy, thinking about turning it into a book for people that lost someone.  
He met Sam a lot and sometimes went out fishing on his own. He was spending more time on the outside, because he felt connected with it. Felt life rushing through his veins, when his naked feet touched the grass behind his house. And looking up to the stars reminded him, that there was an Angel watching him. Dean would take care of him, just like he always did.

He was sitting on the porch, drinking coffee and watching the sun go down, when he saw the lonely figure crossing the street. He was tall, had dark hair and was wearing Jeans and a plaid shirt. Castiel smiled, because the guy reminded him on Dean but this wasn't Dean.  
The guy came closer and Castiel recognized the blue eyes and the muscles, when he waved. "Hi, sorry to interrupt but my car broke down a mile away. Can I use your phone?"  
"Sure. Here." Castiel gave him the phone and the guy nodded and called someone to pick him up. He handed Castiel the mobile and smiled.  
"Thanks."  
"You are welcome."  
Castiel was still sitting on the porch and drinking coffee, when the guy turned around to leave, then stopped and turned again. "You wanna go grab something to eat as thank you?"  
Castiel shot him a look. "Call me Castiel. No, sorry, not interested."  
"I didn't ask you out on a date. I want to eat."  
"I'm not hungry then." Which was a complete lie because he still had to cook.  
"Okay, listen, I will come by later when my car is fixed and then I take you to a nice place to eat. It's the least I can do."  
"Man, I only let you use my phone. It's not that big of a deal."  
"Well...maybe I want to get to know the man with the name of the Thursday Angel. But okay. Got the message." He turned around and walked away and Castiel sighed. He was really rude and it was just...he felt so..yep..he felt attracted and didn't want to feel it.  
"Hey, wait. I will wait for you", he yelled. Which wasn't the smartest thing to say.  
"Good. By the way, I am Benny."

_"Sometimes it happens that out of nowhere you find something to hold on to or someone. Suddenly somebody drags you out of that hole you were trying to get out of on your own. And falling in love with someone else doesn't mean you cheat on the person that is dead. You just go on with your life, live, because the person who died can't. You live on for them and because of them. You remember what wishes they had and you try to fulfill them for them. You try to live as good as possible and you give the love you received to someone else. But make sure the person is someone that understands how you feel and that there are phases that you suffer so much that you can't leave your bed. Because a broken heart will never be fixed again. Scars don't go away, they just fade but you can feel them, always and sometimes you see them in the darker shade of your eyes or the way you look up to the sky and search for answers that are right in front of you. The road always goes on, not back. You can't go back. You never will. So go on and live. Get your restless heart and find new ways, find new life, even if you have to wait for the next daylight, for the next night or for the next song. Everything goes on."_

* * *

 

**A year later**

Castiel knelt in front of the grave, with the little Angel gravestone and the name of the love of his life carved into it. He touched the wings of the angel and then wiped the dust away that was covering the letters. He placed a rose on the stone and a candle in front of it.  
"Something happened my love. I know I said I won't fall in love again but I did. As much as I tried to avoid it, I couldn't. Benny is a good man and you would like him. I think the both of you would have been great friends. He treats me good and respects that a part of me will forever be in love with you. I am hurting him with that, I know but I can't let go of you, never. You saved me. You are my Angel. My first everything. I miss you so so so much."  
Castiel sat there for a while and closed his eyes.  
"Oh and Sammy's wedding will be in summer and I am excited. I will be at his side. And I hope I can live up to your standards. Hope I can be the brother and friend he always had in you. How is heaven? Are you happy? Can you hear me? I wish you would answer and I wish I could be with you but time does come and I will be with you again. Believe me, as soon as I die, I will find you and kiss you and never ever let go of you again. Baby, I miss you. I love you. Forgive me, okay? But I can't be on my own anymore. I can't. I have to go on without you and I know you will be upset but I will never forget you. I will visit your grave as often as I can. I love you."  
Castiel wiped away the tears that were leaving his eyes and stood up. He looked up into the blue sky and whispered: "Happy Birthday, Dean."  
When he walked away he saw the sun breaking though the clouds, down on the gravestone and he smirked. He understood. Dean was not angry with him for being in love with another man.  
He walked over to the impala and Benny greeted him with a smile, opened the door for him and didn't ask anything, didn't say anything, he just looked over to the gravestone and the golden sunlight that was falling down on it. He didn't believe in heaven and hell and he didn't believe in angels and god but he knew Cas did and he knew that even so he could not explain it, there was something holy about him and Dean and Benny would always respect that. He would respect the love that was reserved for only Dean in Castiel's heart.

**Author's Note:**

> How did you like it?


End file.
